In many Western countries, there seems to be more girls doing medicine than guys. Due to cultural differences, I do not know how the westerners view this issue, so I’ll concentrate on conclusions I’ve made from my own and my friends’ perspectives.
Marriage vs love
I tend to think that an ideal marriage involves a strong element of love. However, recently I realized it is also a partnership thing. Marriage and love are probably pretty different things. Sometimes I wonder if it is that ideal to marry someone whom I love or care about “too much”. I found that if someone takes too much place in my heart, the jealousy factor also increases by God knows how many folds! Maybe it’s less stressful if you don’t really care that much about the person’s past, and view it more as a partnership where two people who don’t dislike each other take turns cooking and budget up, and keep each others’ company. Furthermore, love can actually build up during a marriage if the partnership is good. However, at this stage, the thought marrying someone whom I haven’t got very strong feelings for still makes me feel like I’m betraying both my own heart and that person’s.
Time is short
I don’t know how many times I’ve been alerted to this fact, but I never used to think about this until recently. I guess it is society’s pressure catching up on me. A guy recently told me that once you’re past 28y.o., guys get apprehensive about asking you out, unless you’re extremely pretty. He says that there is a strangeness about girls past 28 – it’s like they should be wives/mummies at their age, but they’re not, and this tend to put guys off (and that it’s a fact of society whether you’re worried about it or not). Girls doing medicine are at an even greater disadvantage because as students, they have to study hard, while other girls are going out and perfecting their guy-seducing abilities. And once they start working (when they’re 24y.o. or so), they’d be stuck in hospital.
Silly housewives: career vs family
Back in 2002, I overheard two Taiwanese med girls talking – they said they’d be very happy being housewives and can’t imagine themselves being a doctor. I did not pay much attention to that comment back then, but now I understand that their thinking is a lot more advanced than me – they’re already considering these sorts of things very early on! But then again, their dads are doctors, so they probably understand the implications of a career as a doctor quite early on. At this stage, I would choose a happy family over my career… However, life is full of unforeseeable circumstances – there’s no guarantee that the guy I choose to marry will give me a happy family, and I can be at risk of losing both my family and career if I count too much on a guy for my happiness. To make a happy family, I guess I have to make some sacrifices in my career (yeah, I’m not one of those multitalented women who can multitask w/o feeling totally worn-out! And if I’m worn-out, I’m certainly not a happy chappy!). But if the marriage fails and I sacrificed too much of my career, what am I left with? And did I study medicine for so long just to be a housewife? And I do not want a marriage where I’m stuck in one place forever…. I want to travel to different places and gain a wider perspective!
Developing feelings vs inhibiting factors
Based on personal experience, there are certain criteria that had to occur before I develop feelings for someone:
Theoretically for a relationship to start properly, it takes two people’s work. It does not only involve a guy creating opportunities to be with the girl, but also the girl giving hints to the guy. I’ve never been taught how girls should hint guys, and at the same time I kind of know a bit – I guess it might be something that comes naturally w/ experience. In the past, I have always been the passive one at least initially, so I don’t think I’ve had many opportunities to perfect this skill… and if things continue this way, I might never find someone to marry! But interestingly, some girls tend to scare away guys when they’re too active – so it’s about striking a fine balance.
l The guy compromises/sacrifices himself in some way to show care
l Proximity: I have to see the guy at least 1x/week
l The guy takes the trouble of planning something nice to do on a date
l The guy takes the trouble to make himself look presentable
Ideally the guy should do these things w/o being told to do so… but I probably shouldn’t ask too much at this stage, or else I might never be able to find someone to marry! Furthermore:
l The guy has to have some qualities that I find admirable (wisdom, talent etc)
l The guy should have some similar cultural background & life experiences as me so we can find some common grounds, eg. A Taiwanese guy who’s spent some years living outside of Taiwan
l Compatible thinking, life goals, hobbies: if a guy’s priorities and values are too different from me, I think I’d probably end up arguing w/ the guy all the time!
l Maturity: this only comes w/ life experience and is something pretty conflicting in a way. For a guy to know what sort of girl he wants and know how to appreciate a good girl, he probably has to have some previous relationships to make comparisons w/. And yet, there is always that jealousy factor…!
While some people can spot a guy whom they think they’d like just after meeting the guy a few times, I simply can’t decide whether I like a guy or can potentially fall in love w/ a guy unless many of the above criteria are met. The time it takes for me to develop feelings for people is probably a bit long compared to others, so this is rather maladaptive for someone who wants to get married before 28. But if I don’t dislike a guy, it is probably already a good start.
At this stage, many aspects of my life are uncertain – for a start, I don’t even know where I will be working next year! It would probably be quite irresponsible for me to take up a relationship right now, and yet if I don’t, I might not be able to find somebody to marry in the future! What should I do?? And if I were to let myself go into a serious relationship right now, I wonder if it’s worth the pain of having to separate again due to life circumstances! Even if I meet a guy whom might potentially make a fine partner right now, I’d feel guilty if I go into a relationship where I think I might end up hurting the guy later on due to all the uncertainties and uncontrollable factors. Sometimes I feel anguish towards unforeseeable life circumstances – I really do not like to be controlled by the world or by my career. I wish I could control the environment rather than have the environment control me!
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