王盈方醫師瘋狂之旅 Dr Yvonne Wang's Blabberings

Have you ever had the experience of getting off on the wrong start with someone? Sometimes the initial impressions last, and you’re stuck with the belief that “I will never get along with that person, so I don’t need to get to know that person well, as there are many others who I will get along better with and more worth investing my time in”. Other times, you and the person get to know each other, the misunderstandings might clear away. Furthermore, people are dynamic, and there is potential for further change or maturity as they grow older.

That was an example of the impact of initial impressions. I would like to explore further into initial impressions by using couples as the focus, using a few examples.

Sometimes, when couples break up, the driving force for that could actually be related to something that happened right in the beginning of the relationship – when two people got off from the wrong start.

1) It could be a guy being dishonest about how much he actually likes a girl. When the girl later finds out that he did not like her as much or for as long as he claimed to have at the proposal, the girl will certainly feel betrayed to some extent. Subsequently, the girl may never be able to place full trust on this guy because she can no longer distinguish what’s genuine and what’s not, and this may ultimately lead to the end of the relationship.

2) It could be that one of the two has a “not so transparent” past (complicated relationships before), or even present (split leg), and refuses to disclose that. Subsequently, the other one finds out bit-by-bit himself/herself, and gets hurt too deep. Of course, trust is destroyed. Furthermore, the hurt one may also believe that “since he/she was not open with me, there’s nothing wrong if I’m not transparent with him/her,” and a vicious cycle occurs, where two people just keep hurting each other.

3) It could be a girl expecting a guy to give “everything he’s got”, while she doesn’t try to do much for the guy at all. The relationship can end when infatuation has passed over and the guy begins to realize that the girl is not worth his efforts. Furthermore, even when the girl decides to put in greater input further along the tract, it may be too late, as the initial impressions had already stuck into the guy’s head, and he may just think that she’s forcing herself to do stuff for him and therefore does not feel it’s genuine as he thinks genuiness is just not her nature.

4) One of the two is “all words and no action”. Even if the person’s got the sweetest mouth in the world, the relationship will not last if he/she never fulfills anything that he/she claims. Anyone knows they can’t count on a person like that.

From the examples above, we can see that initial impressions are extremely important in a couple’s relationship. Unfortunately, certain mistakes, if made from the beginning, can be unsalvageable. And even if you try to change further along the tract, it doesn’t necessarily get fully appreciated. From the first two examples, we see the importance of openness. If everything was transparent from the start (ie. nothing was hidden and no tricks), then transparency and trust further along the tract is more likely. Therefore, I think it’s quite important not to mislead somebody about the extent you like that person. And for those with complicated relationships / lingering relationships, of course one cannot change his or her past. So it may be more appropriate to state right from the beginning that “Before we start the relationship, I’d like to let you know that my past is not that simple,” or “There is still someone on my mind and I’m not sure if I can detach that person from my mind so fast”, and leave it up to the other person to decide whether he/she is able to accept this. From the 3rd example, we see the impact of proudness and unequal inputs. For example, unequal input may have occurred because a girl may believe that she’s a “high quality special girl”, and therefore believe that guys have to do everything they can to get someone as special & high quality as her. Sure, it might be appropriate to observe a guy at the start, but also remember to do your part – which should come naturally if there is a genuine deep bond. And of course, the 4th example is obvious: one should keep their words consistent with their actions and never make a promise that they know they will not fulfill.

We see the importance of “doing the right thing right from the start”. For those of you who are Christians, this is an example of why it is actually for your own benefit to follow the words of God. For example, you might not see what’s wrong with dishonesty, proudness, greed etc until you encounter an adverse consequence associated with it.

If a relationship becomes unsalvageable as a result, the best one can do is to carry lessons learned over and not make the same mistakes in the next relationship.