我們應該選擇什麼樣的終身伴侶？怎麼知道這是適合你的終身伴侶？
每次我問：「什麼樣的對象會吸引你？」答案通常是─我希望對方有幽默感、風趣、擅長運動、喜歡旅行...，問題就在這裡，這些都是個性特質，而不是品格。
What type of person attracts you? The answer is often: humorous, athletic, likes travelling etc. These are only personality traits but we should be looking for character.
多少人知道，殺人犯也可能風趣、幽默，強暴犯也可能擅長運動，但誰想跟這些人約會呢？想要選對終身伴侶，就要看對方的品格。
A murderer can be fun and have a sense of humor. He can kill people in a fun way. How many people want to go out w/ a murderer/rapist etc. Character determines how the person will treat himself, you and his children. Character is the foundation of any healthy relationship/partnership. Personality is just the icing, character is the cake, and character is the substance. Is he capable of loving me for the long-term.
◆壹、品格與來電的感覺
一、不斷追求個人的成長 commitment to personal growth (the most important trait to seek in a partner)
如果你的對象不斷追求個人成長，你就成功了一半。夫妻之間最大的問題，通常是一方想要改善婚姻關係，另一方不願意。若一方不願意改變，婚姻就不會幸福。
If you can find someone with this trait, you are already halfway to success.
不斷追求個人的成長，指的是：一、對方願意遵行上帝的話和生活方式；二、對方願意接受引導和幫助。
1) Your partner is committed to God’s word and lifestyle: There are lots of challenges in our relationships because we are not perfect. When we face a problem we have to either face it the world’s way or God’s way. We have to be convinced in the power of God’s words. Pride and stubbornness is the quickest way to destroy a relationship. 2) Setting personal goals for personal change: not just showing interest but actually doing it. He wants growth for himself; don’t need other people nagging him.
在婚姻這條路上，一定會遇到許多問題，對方必須信靠聖經的教導，相信上帝的話是我們腳前的燈、路上的光，並遵行各方面的教導才行。除了婚姻幸福外，你也希望配偶活出上帝的心意，同負一軛。很多夫妻來辦公室找我們，請我們跟他太太或先生談，但是對方根本不願意來，這樣是行不通的。不斷追求個人成長的人，會注意到自己的盲點和問題，設定目標，並付諸行動去改變。
二、能夠敞開情感 emotional openness
親密關係不只是分享一個家、一張床或一間浴室，且要能夠分享感覺。很多人婚姻不幸福，是因為配偶不能表達感受，跟無法表達感受的人談感情，簡直是自我虐待。
An intimate relationship is not based on sharing a home, but based on sharing feelings. Your mate has to have feelings and knows what he’s feeling and chooses to share his feelings with you. He knows how to express his feelings. If you’re with someone who’s emotionally shut down you might as well be alone or buy a pet.
敞開情感也可以說是慷慨付出情感，這種人會告訴你，他多麼愛你，多麼感激有你。慷慨付出的相反是吝於付出，彷彿存量有限一般，只給你一小部分的心。吝於付出情感的人，不斷吊你胃口，你必須苦苦哀求，只給你一點點，就好像幫了大忙似的。願意敞開情感非常重要，這樣才能進入對方的內心世界，若不把通往內心世界的鑰匙交給你，怎麼能夠給你愛？
You need someone who can tell you how much he loves you/appreciates you on a consistent basis. The opposite is emotional stinginess, holding back love, makes you beg for love, as they are doing a big favor for you. If he doesn’t give you the key to his heart, how can he love you?
三、誠實 integrity
誠實是幸福婚姻的要素，當你知道配偶可以信賴，就會有安全感。馬太福音第廿二章16節說：「夫子，我們知道你是誠實人，並且誠誠實實傳上帝的道。」他們稱耶穌為「誠實人」，誠實就是裡外一致，選擇和異象一致，行為和信念一致。你說你很愛太太，卻常常在朋友面前損她，美國總統被彈劾時，柯林頓必須交代他和莫妮卡．陸文斯基之間的關係，美國人民很願意原諒他的行為，但令他們難以釋懷的是，柯林頓堅稱他沒有婚外性行為，理由是─我沒和她發生關係，是她和我發生關係，所以那不算是性行為。這是不一致，誠實就是言行一致，你若懷疑對方的誠實，就無法尊敬他。
Integrity: he is consistent to what he says, the consistency of your character, your actions matches your words, your behavior match your belief. Saying things he doesn’t mean: you won’t be able to trust this person. “I didn’t have sex with her, she had sex with me.”, “I don’t lie, I just have trouble telling the truth.” Games belong in the playground, not in a relationship. “I won’t tell you what I feel; I want you to have a guess.”
四、成熟度和責任感 maturity and responsibility
有些人也許對你很好，但還沒有準備好要委身在感情中。如何知道對方能夠委身在感情中？如果對方夠成熟，就要經濟獨立、保持房間整潔、有良好的衛生習慣…，外在的生活會反映內心的狀況，如果你的交往對象外表邋遢，表示他內心一定是亂七八糟。他沒有成熟到可以照顧好自己，怎麼可能照顧你？他還沒準備好投入感情、婚姻，更別說養兒育女了。成熟度和年齡無關，和責任感有關，責任感就是說到做到，說話算數。你想結婚，就要知道愛需要付責任，不能在婚姻中活得像個單身漢。
There are people who may be nice to you, but are not ready to be committed in a relationship. They will make you feel you’ve adopted a child. Can he take care of himself? He needs to be financially independent, keep his room clean, feed himself, etc. Your outward life is a reflection of your inward life. If he can’t take care of himself, what makes you think he’s going to take care of you? He’s not ready for partnership. We look for someone who’s responsible. Maturity doesn’t come with age, but with a sense of responsibility. Responsibility is doing what you say you’re going to do. You’re not letting people down. “Let your yes be a yes and no be a no.” Everyone deserves to be loved but not everyone is ready for the responsibility associated with a relationship. We realize a kid has grown up when he shows respect to authority and has a concept of boundaries. Don’t go out with a creep who will always demean you and have no respect for your boundaries/feelings/time etc. You deserve someone who’s mature and responsible.
五、健全的自尊 healthy self esteem
對方的自尊越健全，你們的感情越穩固。對方能夠愛你多少，就看他能愛自己多少。自尊心低落的人，是為了讓自己好過才去愛，而自尊心高的人，是為了想愛而去愛。
You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
看一個人怎麼對待自己，就可以知道他對自己的看法，食衣住行各方面，都反映出他的自尊。一個自愛的人也許不太有錢，但他的外表總是乾淨、整潔。一個不自愛的人根本不在乎這個，邋遢、骯髒，也不可能好好愛你。
自尊心的高低可以由下列幾點看出來：首先，他知道自己在基督裡的身份，他知道自己是個新造的人，他知道自己有了新的福份、新的約和權柄，他知道自己被耶穌接納，他知道自己在上帝國度中的地位，他不會虐待自己，會照顧好自己。
He knows he’s a new creation in Christ. He doesn’t abuses himself but takes care of himself. You can observe how the person treats himself which reflects his self-esteem. If someone wouldn’t mind mistreating himself, he wouldn’t mind mistreating you.
其次，這個人不會容許自己被踐踏。溫柔不代表軟弱，溫柔是能夠控制情緒和感受，別人惹你，你不會輕易發脾氣，但不表示你就坐視不管，容許自己被嘲笑、踐踏。自尊心低的人通常很愛拖延，不喜歡採取行動，因為他害怕會失敗，讓自己更討厭自己。
Meekness is controlled emotions; it’s not the same as letting others take advantage of you. A person with low self-esteem procrastinates and avoids action because he’s scared to death he’ll fail land feel worse about himself.
六、正面的人生態度 positive attitude towards life
如果你必須和一個人過一輩子，你會選擇正面還是負面的人？多少人選了負面的人，結果總是害怕、擔心、焦慮，總是看問題而不是解決之道，總是抱怨連連...。你要找一個態度正面的人，正面的人會帶來正面的感情關係，愛在正面的氣氛下成長，但在負面的氣氛下減弱。
Positive vs negative people. Negative: fearful, worrying, anxious, focusing on the problem and never on the solution, always finding something to complain about, cynical, pessimistic, can’t trust easily.
跟正面的人談感情容易多了，衝突可以快點解決，「哈利路亞！靠著那加給我力量的耶穌，我凡事都能做。」「那活在我裡面的，比世界的更大。」正面的人充滿信心，少責怪，多合作，最重要的是，正面的人會給你較多的愛。
Not meaning someone who’s loud or extrovert, but someone who has positive attitude in life. Positive people create positive relationships, negative people create negative relationships. Love is positive. Love grows in an atmosphere that’s positive and shrinks in an atmosphere that’s negative.
七、來電的感覺 personal chemistry (not a character quality)
這不是品格特質，但是這一點很重要，可以帶來平衡。如何定義來電的感覺？其實我也不知道，有就是有，沒有就是沒有，但兩人必須互相來電，才知道這不只是友誼。你看所羅門多麼浪漫：「我妹子，我新婦，妳奪了我的心，妳用眼一看，用妳項上的一條金鍊，奪了我的心。」(歌四:9)這就是來電的感覺。
Either you have it or you don’t. But you and your partner need to have some form of chemistry to distinguish between friendship and personal chemistry.
不見得第一次見面就有來電的感覺，我們一開始談到一個迷思─真愛都是一見鍾情，其實那通常是情慾的感覺，若你對某個人不是一見鍾情，不表示將來彼此了解以後，不會被他吸引，其實逐漸被吸引反而比較真，因為焦點不是放在外表。
Personal chemistry doesn’t have to be instant. Even when there’s no instant chemistry, it doesn’t mean there won’t be chemistry developing as you get to know the person. Couples who are friends before becoming romantically involved are more likely to have a successful relationship.
但是沒有來電的感覺，婚姻就不會幸福嗎？也許你愛對方，但沒有強烈被吸引的感覺，我只能老實回答，你們的婚姻不可能健全和幸福，除非你們不打算有性生活，但婚姻中若沒有健全的性生活，夫妻關係就不可能親密。你需要前六項品格特質，但也要第七項，婚姻才能幸福。
Without healthy sexual relationship in marriage there won’t be bonding of the partners and you open yourself up for eventually cheating on that person. You can’t create personal chemistry, you either have it or you don’t.
◆貳、列出合適的特質
If you are not ready for a relationship, you will have difficulty finding the right one. Some people just want to get married regardless of who that person is. If you find it impossible to feel emotions or have trouble communicating your emotions; you can’t be in a love relationship.
光靠來電的感覺還不夠，這是最愚蠢的作法，這張「合適特質」清單，可以幫助你發現兩人在生活上，是否有共鳴。 Do you two resonate?
一、你們的屬靈習慣有沒有共鳴？都喜歡讀經禱告嗎？所信的教義類似嗎？對失喪的靈魂一樣關心嗎？
Resonance in spirtual life?
二、個人成長的方式呢？都願意好好經營感情嗎？決心不斷改善感情關係嗎？
Growing at the same rate? Equally yoked?
三、你喜歡對方的外表嗎？對方的身材，飲食習慣、個人衛生...，他的外表吸引你嗎？
Do you like the person’s appearance?
四、工作型態、金錢觀呢？對方有沒有什一奉獻、儲蓄、做預算？
Financial views? Does the person tithe?
五、你喜歡他的工作習慣嗎？他對成功所抱持的態度如何？
Does the person’s work habits appeal to you?
六、他的心理健全嗎？情感表達方式、愛情觀...，你喜歡他這些方面的特質嗎？
Is your partner healthy psychologically?
七、他的溝通方式和態度如何？會跟你談心事嗎？有沒有幽默感、親和力？跟別人的互動你喜歡嗎？
Communication style? Attitudes towards communication? Willingness to accept feedbacks? Willing to discuss problems? How this person interacts with others?
八、對性和道德所抱持的態度如何？
Attitudes towards sex?
九、兩人的背景是否接近？學習態度、表達方式、對時事的看法如何？
Resonance in the background? Attitudes towards learning?
十、嗜好相近嗎？興趣一致嗎？
Similar interests?
沒有人在各方面都一致，但對你來說，最重要的事必須一致。真正合適的感情關係，大部分的事上必須有共鳴，並且不會失去個人的獨特性。別因親友的壓力而妥協，別讓社會上沒有意義的年齡壓力逼迫你，「終身伴侶」需要有所選擇，上帝創造每一個人，都沒有失手犯錯，你只要睜大眼睛，注意上帝的帶領，就會找到最適合你的終身伴侶，當你找到時，會覺得之前的等待很值得。
No relationships are 100% compatible, but some areas need to have strong resonance, such as growth. Similar call: There should be two circles and there is a strong central compatibility core. The areas of differences are great learning areas, where we learn to compliment and support one another, and the circle should come closer and closer together. If the circle grows further and further apart, then the relationship is not right. Do I want to have a child with this person? Do I want to have a child just like this person? Do I want to become more like this person? Do I want to be with this person even if this person doesn’t change for the rest of his life? We shouldn’t be picky but we should be choosey.
◆ 參、委身的承諾 Commitment
婚姻要持久，需要品格、來電、合適和委身的承諾四項兼備。
●委身承諾的價值
一、賦予感情目的 commitment gives you a purpose
沒有目的的感情，就像無舵的船在海中漂浮，在風浪中搖擺不定，很容易翻覆。
A relationship without a purpose capsizes easily as it has no power to seek its direction.
二、讓你把自己投資在感情中 commitment invests you into the relationship
就像租房子很好，但是花那麼多精力整理，到頭來仍不是你的，而且因為是租來的，對房子的照顧自然比較不週到。但是當你買了第一棟房子，情況就不一樣了，一切都要很完美才行，因為是自己的房子，這很類似感情關係，因為你投資了更多，感情會有驚人的成長，沒有承諾時不可能如此。
When you rent a house, you don’t care for it well. If you buy your own house, everything has to be perfect, because it’s your own house. Once you are fully committed to a partner, you are invested in it and take ownership to the relationship.
三、帶來安全感 commitment creates emotional safety
那些認真交往一陣子的人，已經有了感情，但沒有真正的承諾，會不自覺地活在焦慮中。承諾或許不能保證你不會有失去的痛苦，但至少能反映出對方的心意，知道他有多認真。
Can you imagine leasing without a contract? If your partner is not committed to you, you never feel safe. Commitment doesn’t protect you 100% but does reflect on your partner’s seriousness.
四、帶來自由 commitment creates freedom
很多人一聽到委身的承諾，會立刻聯想到失去自由，被限制住，這是個大謊言。承諾正好相反，不會捆綁你，反而會釋放你，你不用再到處找對象，只需要專注在一個人身上，所以承諾會帶給你自由。當然要找對人，承諾給對了人，你的內心會感到自由，承諾給錯了人，你會感受到捆綁，問題不是在承諾上，而是有沒有找對對象。
It frees you from expending your emotional energy everywhere. All you need is to focus your energy/emotions on one person. Making commitment to a right person will emotionally liberate you, while making commitment to a wrong person will emotionally imprison you.
4 Common reasons for fear of commitment: Fear of the future (what if my girlfriend hinders my calling?). Fear of getting hurt (commitment phobic). Fear of choosing the wrong person (what if I make this commitment and one day the right one comes along? What if I wait a little longer?). A fear of things ending up just like your parents (I refuse to let marriage ruin our relationship).
●承諾的內涵
那麼要給什麼樣的承諾呢？ How do you commit?
一、感情專一的承諾 Commitment to be emotionally monogamous
第一階段的承諾，是你們同意只跟對方一人交往，談感情的時間和精力，只花在對方身上。若沒有感情專一的承諾，感情就不會成長，如果對方不夠看重你，不能給你這種承諾，他就不值得你的等待。雅歌書第六章9節，所羅門說：「我的鴿子啊，你是完美無暇的，在後宮的眾佳麗當中，我心裏只有一個你，沒有人比得上你。」沒有人比得上你，若有別的對象比得上你，那就結束這段感情。
If your partner doesn’t make this commitment within a few months, then say goodbye.
二、培養伴侶關係的承諾 Commitment to work towards a partnership
你們覺得感情越來越好，開始有「我們」的感覺，而不是「我和他」，那麼第二階段的承諾，就是公開你們交往的事實。這表示你們兩人都同意好好培養這段感情，這段感情可能持續一生。兩人都同意要坦誠溝通彼此的感受，看有沒有什麼會攔阻親密關係的發展，學習更了解對方，來發展持續一生的感情。
You are starting to think as “we”. You openly acknowledge to everyone else “we are a couple”.
三、結婚的承諾 Commitment to get ready for marriage
若培養出健全的伴侶關係，就要做結婚的承諾。你們彼此很確定要相守一生，不會想再看別的對象了，就要準備給第三階段的承諾─結婚。你們決定正式認定這段感情，訂下結婚的日子，雙方同意繼續努力改進自己、改善感情，排除使你們不能做出承諾的懷疑或攔阻，不是等婚後三年才發現彼此不溝通，然後去向牧師求助。
You’re not always fighting, you feel quite sure you want to spend your future together, you’re not going to other cell groups to check out just to be sure. Need to ask “why are you not ready?”
四、攜手共度一生的承諾 Commitment to spend the rest of your lives together
這個階段的承諾是雙方都同意要攜手共度一生，白頭偕老，彼此相愛，這是人與人之間最高的一種承諾。聖經上清楚的定義，婚姻是終身對同一個人許下完全的承諾─「因此，人要離開父母，與妻子連合，二人成為一體。」(創二:24)婚禮只有一天，但婚姻卻要維持一輩子，當你和配偶在身心靈上有共鳴，才是真正的結婚。如果你總是感到憤怒和難過，也許你們仍住在一起，但你們的心已經不在一起，情感上就等於已經離婚。
This is the highest level of commitment one can make to another. Marriage is the total commitment of the total person for the total life. Your wedding is going to last one day, but your marriage is going to last for a lifetime. You are already emotionally divorced if you closed your hearts to each other.
很多交往中的男女甚至不願意解決感情問題，屏住一口氣往下跳，先結婚再說，以為結婚後一切就好了。不可能，因為婚姻就像一只放大鏡，會放大婚前每一個問題，如果你們在婚前有非常契合的感情，婚姻會使這段感情好上一百倍，如果你們婚前老是吵架，關係火爆，婚姻會使這段感情壞上一百倍。
Marriage is like a big magnifying glass which magnifies whatever problem you have before the marriage 100xs.
◆結語
婚姻是一段美好的旅程，上帝創造我們，要我們享受婚姻之愛，但你要慎選同行的伴侶，因為你的伴侶可以讓你活在地上如同活在天上，或者如同活在地獄。你若選對了伴侶，當你看見對方愛的眼光，就彷彿看見美好的天堂
There is a chicken and a pig in the farm. One day the farmer came to the barnyard and said the owner of the house wanted bacon and an egg, any volunteers? The chicken is happy to volunteer, but the pigs say “for you it’s easy for you to say because it’s only a small contribution, but for me it’s my life”! Marriage is a total commitment. Heaven on earth vs living hell: If you choose the right one, you catch a glimpse of God in your partner’s eyes and this makes life enjoyable/worth living.
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