I had a very productive day at the Chinese Christian Community Service Centre after listening to Mr. Chow, a Christian psychologist, talk about being a community volunteer.
With the advancement of technology, the human lifespan is increasing. Even 50 year olds may experience a second growth spurt spiritually.
Researches have shown that happy people have five things in common:
1. Having a religious belief
2. Being engaged in interpersonal relationships that involves both giving and receiving
3. Being busy with meaningful activities
4. Maintaining positive thinking, maintaining optimism even when things don’t go your way
5. Having a sense of purpose and mission
I find the second point most interesting: interpersonal relationships involving giving and receiving. Without both giving and receiving, one would have a lonely life.
In our professional training, we have learnt it is unprofessional to receive gifts. There definitely needs to be some appropriate boundaries, but we also need to discern with wisdom. We have to be very careful when receiving gifts, but there are some circumstances where we can receive. For example, if someone makes a nice cake, and you refused to try it, you may hurt that person’s feelings. But sometimes, when you accept it, that person might view making a cake for you as an obligation each time he/she sees you. So you shouldn’t accept it every time, and need to clearly tell that person, “Thank you, but you don’t have to keep making this for me every time.” Another important thing is, never accept cash under any circumstance.
It is also important to set appropriate boundaries on giving, as not all giving actually do good to the person you’re trying to help. For example, if the parents and grandparents revolve around a single child as if that child is the planet, we’re going to get an extremely selfish spoiled brat. So if someone needs our help, we cannot do everything for them. Or else they will become dependent on you and not learn the most basic skills in surviving in a new environment.
Mr. Chow also mentioned that philosophers often categorize life into three stages:
1. Desire oriented: living for yourself
2. Quality oriented: living out your true self
3. Identity orientated: living for a greater cause than yourself
People should not remain in the stage of material satisfaction or the vanity of success. There is a greater meaning to life than that.
In the state of “living for yourself”, you only think about what you want and do not know how to give to others. For example, attending a good university, finding a good job, buying a car, buying a house, finding a good partner, getting yourself married, etc. There are some people who can naturally see the needs of others more easily. There are also some children growing up in poverty and hardship that had to learn how to give at an early age and can see the needs of others at an earlier age.
In the state of “living out your true self”, you begin to know yourself, “Who am I? What can I offer?”
Finally, in the state of “living for a greater cause than yourself”, you find your identity in the community. You no longer ask “what can the community give me?”, but “what can I give to the community?”
After listening to the above, everyone must be very motivated to get out there and get moving! However, if you want to “live for a greater cause” and can’t get along with people, how do you execute your ideology? This brings us to the second part of Mr. Chow’s talk, “how to become someone who understands others?” Growth in this aspect actually requires a lot of learning from daily life experiences and daily practical applications.
The first point is, logic is not always right. For example, you can explain to a teen with drug addiction about the principles of why drugs are bad, and the teen’s probably heard these principles many times and understand these very well, but he/she continues takings drugs. Why?
Logic is not always right, if you cannot see the hidden messages/emotions behind. When others have an emotional need, we should not be in a hurry to analyze and explain logic, because most people can analyze their own situations well and understand the principles.
Another example: A husband comes home from work late and is tired, only to be confronted by his grumpy wife complaining about him not repairing a broken light bulb. How should the husband respond?
Many times we speak because we are feeling an emotion. So even if the other party is talking about things/incidences, do not be so quick to start talking about the solutions or to do the logical analysis. If the husband had replied, "if the bulb is broken then just change it", the wife will not be satisfied with the response, because her husband did not address her feelings. She’s just trying to seek confirmation about what value and position she has in her husband’s eyes.
Mr. Chow says, "When someone talks to me me about things, I talk about feelings.” Some practical examples:
1) There are actually 3 chickens living in the backyard of the Chinese Christian Community Service Centre. One dark evening someone left the gate open and the chickens escaped out onto the streets. Belinda, the center coordinator, was obviously worried and said "the chickens escaped from the backyard!" How do you respond?
You can either respond by saying "go look on that street", but that doesn't address the emotions behind: she must be feeling very worried especially since it was so dark and bad things could happen to the chickens, or alternatively it is better communication to first address that, eg. by saying "you must be very worried" before going on to talk about the obvious solutions from logical analysis, eg "did you look on that street?".
2) "My kid’s baseball team won!",
Address feelings first: “You must be very happy now!” (Do not immediately say “what score did they get?”)
Deal with the emotions first and address the other person’s emotional needs. This is actually one of my blind spots, and the most productive message I’ve learnt from this talk, as I discovered I rarely view addressing people’s feelings as a priority in my own communications with people. So, when someone talks to you about something, you need to first distinguish whether he/she is coming from an emotional position or a task-orientated position, and respond with the appropriate response. First, deal with the feeling, repair the emotional damage. Only after that do you deal with the task and logical analysis.
Live life: as travelers, not indigenous inhabitants; as managers/housekeepers, not masters; as warriors, not greenhouse flowers.
This is an outline of the messages I took home:
1. Search for your identity in the community, no longer asking “what can the community give me?”, but asking “what can I give to the community?”
2. Be someone who understands others: their feelings and emotional needs.
3. Logic is not always right, if you cannot see the hidden messages/emotions behind.
4. When someone talks to me me about things, I talk about feelings.
5. Life is about both giving and receiving. Without both, one would have a lonely life.
6. Be a good housekeeper, because we are just travelers, and God is the master.
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